The Bhukkad Guide to Buffet Killing

Don’t get fooled by my once diminutive frame. I CAN EAT!! Ten years of hostel life spiced with plenty of inedible food has given me the ability to skip meals and then compensate for it by eating them all at once. The latter can be aptly called the Bhukkad mode and to an extent I can switch it on and off at will. So when there is a lavish buffet spread to be devoured, alive comes the Bhukkad in me. And so it should in you as well!!

Buffets are an I-Banker’s dream product – fixed investment with unlimited returns. The onus of maximizing these return lies with you. Making full use of every paisa paid for is no easy task anywhere let alone at a buffet. It requires a lot of strategic planning combined with impeccable execution. For starters, you need to decide on your buffet visit well in advance so as to build your appetite for it. Selecting able-tummied people to go with is important because a buffet is much like the Gaul village feast. A big group of people also ensures that some people can take naps while others keep the flag flying high. 

But perhaps (actually obviously) the most important factor is how you go about eating the food. The seven course French meal is not the way to go. You must mix all the courses and create the Calcuttan jhal-muri effect. This ensures that desserts get due attention. Alternating between the different flavours also ensures that you are able to eat that much more. So next time at Barbeque Nation make sure that the blueberry cheese cake or firni is stationed right next to your mushroom tikka. 

A lot of people make the most basic mistakes at buffets - eating things just because you have put them on your plate, eating things you could have eaten anywhere else, eating too fast as if the food supply is going to run out and most critically behaving in a civilized manner. When piling up your plate, ask yourself this basic question in front of each dish, “Can I eat this somewhere else without having to pay so much for this?” This will ensure that you weed out the filler dishes in a buffet. A smart restaurant will try and tempt you with these least expensive and most filling dishes first. Your job is to find your way around these dishes (aloo chaats, pakodas, sprout salads and the likes) and reach the ones you want to eat and are worth paying the bill for. 

A good way to begin is by surveying all the dishes before you fill your plate. Make up your mind on what it is that you really want to hog. If you are still confused take only spoonful servings to help you decide. But by mistake if you do fill up your plate with stuff that is completely unpalatable don’t think twice before taking a fresh one. Also at regular intervals keep assigning the rejected portions to the side plates making space for fresh food. (Disclaimer – you are likely to be termed bourgeoisie so try at own risk and with like-tummied people only)

Thalis are the desi version of buffets but require as much planning. Places like Rajdhani and Andhra Bhawan disguise quick turnaround time in the garb of instant service. They specialize in bombarding you with so much food in the first five minutes that you actually end up eating much less than a normal meal. But there are a few tricks of getting around this too and ensuring a full tummy for the next few hours. Don’t ever look up at these places because it will immediately attract the attention of the waiters meaning more unwanted food on your place. If the waiters still continue to pester you, ward them off by asking for things like water, salt, pickle and other inconsequential items. And finally be shameless and take your time with the thali. 

While appetite is important for killing a buffet so is the spirit. Aan do ji…

** We levy no service charges apart from publicity and comments for the blog. 

*** The next few courses to be served are “Puchka – The Real Deal”, “Everything Sells In Punjab With Paneer”, “Sam’s Café – Desi Dilli Videsi Fare” and “DU Da China Town”.